Count Sneaky's Journal

No.85

2012-01-27T09:27:00.000-05:00

"We shouldn't teach great books; we should

teach love of reading."

B.F. SKINNER

1. You're not to old to stay in the game...if you remember the rules.

***

2. The trouble with dream homes is... that they turn into nightmares.

3. If you rattle somebody's cage ...don't be surprised if you get punched through the bars.

***

4. Rising expectations match...receeding hairlines.

5. Stupidity...rarely triggers conscience.

***

6. Now that you have tried all seven deadly sins...have you settled on one.

***

7. Marriages made in Heaven require two heavenly bodies...angels.

***

8. Your child has a curious nature...if he tries to stretch his Slinky to its full length of 87 feet.

***

9. Enthusiasm is not only contagious...it can loosen the tightest purse strings.

***

10. If you want a second opinion ask your doctor...your wife will give you the first one.

SHEEP DIP FOR THE SOUL...

"What times! What ways of life!"

CICERO

"Cauliflower is nothing but a cabbage with a college education."

MARK TWAIN

"Society is now one polish'd horde. Form'd of two mighty tribes, the Bores and the Bored."

LORD BYRON

"Literature is the art of writing something that will be read twice; journalism what will be read once."

CYRIL CONNOLLY

"Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo."

DON MARQUIS

"There is nothing so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have."

DON HERALD

Hi. I'm Strutz the Cat, mascot of this miserable blog and shameless flack. If I'm to earn my daily

Kibbles and Bits or whatever is on sale this week, I have to thank you for visiting the blog and particularly for leaving a comment like..."Who wrote this #?/@&% ?, or...I love your insight and wisdom please write my mother-in-law, and... I'm here for you every week, but where's that beautiful mascot cat, Strutz?"

Well, you get the message and I get a can of tuna fish. Not a bad deal. Okay, now please use "word of mouse" ( I love that phrase!) and e-mail your friends about this friendly little whatever it is blog.

Now do I get my can of tuna? Sheesh!

Count Sneaky and Helen

No.84

2012-01-19T09:43:00.000-05:00

"It was so cold I almost got married!"

SHELLEY WINTERS

1. Time is the illusion by which we measure all of our other illusions.

***

2. No one plants thorns...but roses.

***

3. Don't ask how it'll play in Peoria...

Ask what you can do in Peoria.

***

4. The devil just found some work for me to do...

idle blog, you know.

5.If you like worms...be an early bird.

***

6. All men are created equal...all women know better.

7. Trying to raise adolescents is like...trying to design stampedes.

***

8. Be yourself...you're plugging a hole in the universe.

9. The minimum wage law does not cover...

the wages of sin...

***

10. Life is not always a bed of roses... sometimes it's a blanket under a bridge.

Shown above is the newly-redesigned Grover Nordley Potato Corer...Now

available in select stores.

There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2' to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to tell him to let you read the manuscript of his forthcoming book. No.1 admits you to his respect; No.2 admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.

MARK TWAIN, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar

"Since everything is none other than exactly as it is, one may as well just break out in laughter."

LANG CHEN PA

"Every man takes the limits of his own vision for the limits of the world."

WHAT'S THE WORD FOR THE WEEK?: NOTARY SOJAC!

It's a new year and time to award the Count Sneaky Bronze Award for Whatever 2012. The new awarded is being etched as we write by our Master Engraver and will be awarded to various fellow bloggers, deserving or not, for whatever reason strikes my fancy. My fancy has been struck a lot lately...so it doesn't take much. The best part is that this coveted(?) award comes with no requirements whatsoever. The recipient will get an e-mail with the award as an attachment. The e-mail may or may not give the reason for this distinction. You may or may not display it. Rest assured, though, something about you or your blog merited it. Or, you may just have something there. If you have any suggestions send them along. My best.

COMING SOON TO A BLOG NEAR YOU (THIS ONE!)

No. 83

2012-01-13T11:08:00.000-05:00

(Pictured above is the new Grover Hedley Jackwagon, Runabout)

1. Only one person is required to start a war...thousands are required to finish it.

***

2. Don't complain about the way the ball bounces...duck!

***

3. If you're going to throw your weight around...don't stand too close to the edge.

***

4. When all is said and done...why stick around.

5. Your two cents worth is now worth... about .09 cents.

***

6. Woman's work is never done...unless she's on the phone.

***

7. If you're getting down to brass tacks... watch your step.

***

8. Understanding women is like understanding abstract art... both are emotional and expensive.

9. Money doesn't talk...it cries, laughs, soothes, heals, feeds, houses, and provides entertainment.

***

10. Somewhere over the rainbow...is someone looking back at the rainbow.

***

"We should accustom the mind to keep the best company by introducing it to only the best books."

SYDNEY SMITH

"A page digested is better than a volume hurriedly read."

MACAULAY

" One ought to read just as the inclination takes him, for what he reads as a task will do him little good."

DR. JOHNSON

"The love of reading enables one to exchange the wearisome hours of life, which come to everyone, for hours of delight."

MONTESQUIEU

"To read without reflecting is like eating without digesting."

EDMUND BURKE

Sign seen over desk at work: YOU DON't HAVE TO BE CRAZY TO WORK HERE... JUST VERY DISTURBED!

COMING SOON TO A BLOG NEAR YOU!

No. 82

2012-01-05T12:30:00.002-05:00

"I'm stirring...I'm stirring.."

1. The only thing you get for nothing...

is oxygen.

***

2. Before you jump down someone's

throat...watch out for their teeth.

***

3. Being conceited means... you're doing something right.

***

4. If you jump at a conclusion...

make sure it's still there first.

***

5. Remember sports build character...

not to mention stadiums, fields,

arenas, rinks, and gyms,

***

6. What a bear does in the woods...

is his own business.

***

7. In life as in politics...thinking is an option; feelings rule.

***

8. Dial your brain...to happy.

***

9. Support your local psychiatrist...

get into therapy now.

***

10. Win, lose, or draw...you still own the deck of cards.

***

TOURING WITH TINA ...

I decided to try out my new Pierce Arrowsmith V2 TourMaster Coach. I'm currently following Route 666 through Bodine County, avoiding as far as possible all political caucuses, and

seeking out the natural beauty of the country like Shedley Falls and

and Humperdink Mountain.Every other week I plan to send in another tour report.

Next stop, Silo City for Motel 7.

Tina Tingle, Roving Cultural Reporter and Travel Editor.

"The cure for boredom is curiosity.

There is no cure for curiosity."

DOROTHY PARKER

"The freelance writer is a person who is paid per piece or

per word or perhaps."

ROBERT BENCHLEY

"There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts."

CHARLES DICKENS

THOUGHT FOR THE NEW YEAR...

Whatever your hand or head finds to do...do it with joy!

(Then clean up the mess.)

The award opposite was awarded to me for being

me.It is my very own award, soon to be coveted; or ignored; or despised. It will be awarded(?) from time to time to anyone I deem worthy for reasons of my own. There are no requirements whatsoever. The date

will be changed when I get a roundtoit

Copyright HTStone2012

NOTE: You are not allowed to leave this blog without a smile, a laugh or feeling better about your life...or telling a friend about it. Whatever!

No. 81

2011-12-16T22:43:00.001-05:00

"Twas the night before New Years and

all thru the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse...

Count Sneaky and Helen

"Well, almost. Happy New Year!

OFFICIAL MASCOT, STRUTZ

No.78

2011-12-09T21:49:00.000-05:00

"Up and down the City Road, in and out of the Eagle.

That's the way the money goes-pop goes the weasel!"

W.R. MANDALE

1. While thinking out of the box...

be careful you don't get lost.

***

2. You can put lipstick on a pig...

but you really need to add some

make-up and a good nail job.

3. Tomorrow is not another day...

it's what you put things off to.

***

4. Events cast their shadows before them...as well as their dice.

5. The eyes may deceive... but the

tongue has more practice at it.

***

6. As the twig is bent...so bends

the twig.

***

7. Sometimes I feel like the hammer

for...someone else's piggy bank.

***

8. If at first you don't succeed...

take some lessons.

9. A stream cannot rise above its source...or a dam.

***

10. The third time is a charm...

particularly, if you don't get caught the first two times.

***

Hedley Lugnuts writes from Soda City:

Dear Count Sneaky,

If I read you correctly, and I'm sure I do, you seem to be a lover of poetry. Now, Sturdley Shinglehammer is a mediocre to advanced amateur rhyme

fabricator, but he leaves me cold usually, like my girl friend, Daphne. Well Daph can't rhyme, matter of fact, she can't read or write. She's Hungarian.

So, I'm enclosing one of my latest works in sort of a dialect that they speak in these parts. I have taken phonetic liberties, just like I do with Daph...but that's another story. Here 'tis.

TO DAPHNE IN THE MOONLIGHT

You tore up my letters,

And you stole my hark,

You stomped the sucker,

In the deep, deep dark

And buried the tatters,

In the county softball park.

by HEDLEY LUGNUTS

Thank you for your interest, Hedley. I must say this is the worst piece of trash I have ever read and I regret I must inflict it on my readers, but since Daphne baked a sweet potato pie and sent it with your letter...well, I will run it as a favor to Daph along with my best wishes for finding a reason for starting a new year without thou. The sweet potato pie was delightful, Daphne. Count Sneaky

Dear Count Sneaky,

Thanking you for running my boy friend's trash. He is a jerk, but he's my jerk. My friend Poppy wrote this letter for me because I'm Hungarian and can't read or write English good yet. Glad you liked my pie. I like your blog very much.

For Daphne du Dovetonsils by Poppy Bodine

"If your parents never had any children, chances are you won't either."

DICK CAVETT

"It is better to have loafed and lost, than to never have loafed at all."

JAMES THURBER

"There never yet was an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility.

Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy."

MARK TWAIN

"When I get A little money, I buy books; and if any is left,

I buy food and clothes."

ERASAMUS

***

The award above was awarded to me for being me.

It is my very own award, soon to be coveted; or ignored; or despised. It will be awarded(?) from time to time to anyone I deem worthy for reasons of my own. There are no requirements whatsoever.

Copyright HTStone2011

NOTE: You are not allowed to leave this blog without a smile, a laugh or feeling better about your life.

No.76

2011-11-27T12:13:00.060-05:00

"If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you;

but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer."

ALFRED NORTH WHITEHEAD

1. According to the latest report of the U.S. Census Agency, the leading cause of divorce is...marriage.

***

2. Let us eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow...

we shall be billed.

3. Don't marry beneath you...there's no one

down there.

***

4. Man may be the measure of all things...

but it's the woman who is the ruler.

5. A single man is incomplete...a married man

is finished.

***

6. No woman is a mystery...to her gynecologist.

***

7. All events occur twice...first, as history;

second, as propaganda.

***

8. A friend is... someone you can cry with.

***

9. It is better to light one candle...than to curse

the power company.

***

10. One small step for mankind...is one gigantic

leap for politicians.

EMILY'S EPIGRAM...

To live is so startling it leaves little time

for anything else.

***

EMILY DICKINSON

"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would

have no meaning."

***

ARISTOTLE ONASSIS

"If you can, help others. If you can't, at least don't

hurt others."

***

THE DALAI LAMA

"I feel an earnest and humble desire, and shall till I die,

to increase the stock of harmless cheerfulness."

***

CHARLES DICKENS

"I like men to behave like men...strong and childish."

***

FRANCOISE SAGAN

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK:

A mime who can rhyme is in the wrong business.

A stitch in time can save a mime who can rhyme.

A shot of Rosemary and Thyme can save a rhyming mime.

The rhythm of the rumba can ruin a mime's riff.

***

The award above was awarded to me for being me.

There are no requirements whatsoever.

Copyright HTStone2011

NOTE: You are not allowed to leave this blog without a smile, a laugh or feeling better

about your life.

No.75

2011-11-14T22:56:00.085-05:00

"The world is not run by thought, nor imagination,

but by opinion."
ELIZABETH DREW

1. It's better to give than receive...

particularly if you don't have room for it.

***

2. There is a power behind every throne...

the electric company.

3. The moving finger writes and having writ...looks for a publisher.

***

4. If there were a tax on political flip-flops

and humbuggery... we would need no

other sources of revenue.

***

5. Weigh the faults of others against a

feather...weigh your faults against

a brick.

***

6. Hope is no substitute... for

self-confidence.

***

7. Unlock the poet within you...

just don't give him a pencil.

***

8. If you have a problem beyond

your abilities, training, or endurance...

just call it a challenge and forget it.

***

9. Success isn't about having things...

but about having a place to put them.

***

10. It's better to give than to receive...

particularly if you don't have a place

for it.

"I would much rather that posterity should inquire why no statues were erected to me than why they were."

CATO

Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you...

their tastes may not be the same.

GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

The town was so dull that when the tide went out,

it refused to come back.

FRED ALLEN

INTUITION: that strange instinct that tells a woman she is right

whether she is or not.

HELEN ROWLAND

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

MARK TWAIN

***

The award above was awarded to me for being me.

Copyright HTStone2011

NOTE: You are not allowed to leave this blog without a smile, a laugh or feeling better about your life.

No.74

2011-11-05T11:52:00.074-04:00

"Man is the measure of all things, of things that

are, that they are, of things that are not, that they are not."

PROTAGORAS

***

1. Man cannot live on bread alone...

unless he's a baker.

***

2. Man is superior to the animals...

because he can use credit cards.

3. Education is what you have left...

when you've forgotten what you've learned.

***

4. Born to rule...forced to work.

***

5. A ounce of prevention...weighs as much

as an ounce of cure.

***

6. While the world's population continues

to increase...the level of stupidity seems

to stay the same.

7. You don't have to be crazy to work here... just very disturbed.

***

8. Think outside the box, eat outside the bun...and you'll be successful and slim.

9. Man...a life form for converting animal and plant life into into food for the most numerous and dominant life form on the planet...bacteria.

***

10. Get your ducks in a row...but don't ask me why.

***

AN INTERVIEW WITH STRUTZ THE BLOG MASCOT..

***

CS: What do you see as the most pressing issue in society today?

STRUTZ: Surely you jest, O Mine Exalted Interviewer.

CS: No. Now to the question, O Mine Exalted Interviewee.

STRUTZ: OK. Mice!

STRUTZ: Mice?

STRUTZ: Wee mon sewer! We must insure the future generation of mousers the opportunity to learn the fine points of mousing and ensure that they will have an ample supply of mice to hunt. This is our heritage, our place in the scheme of things. And we will follow any scent, pursue any rodent, and pass on to our children tales of our ancestors, the great mousers of yesterday. We will pay any price, endure any hardship, and sacrifice any of our nine lives to ensure this end! And we shall never,never,never surrender. Long live cats...and mice! Huzzah!

CS: Well that was quite an oration, Strutz.

STRUTZ: Mercy, mon amee. Is the interview over? I need a nap.

CS: No. What's up with the phony French accent, Strutz?

STRUTZ: It is a sincere attempt to reproduce part of my heritage.

CS: Your ancestors were French? I don't think so, mon ami.

STRUTZ: Well, they came over on the Mayflower. They first took a crossing of the Channel on a tugboat and hopped aboard the Mayflower as she prepared to leave the port with all the Pillagers on board.

CS: They were called Pilgrims, not Pillagers, Strutz.

STRUTZ: Whatever. They were not a fun crowd. No cat lovers on board.

We were able to make it because there were a lot of rodents on board and they ate the PillGRIM's food and we ate them. This was more proof that we cats were the final and superior form of life designed by the Creator.

CS: That is the most, preposterous thing you have said yet, Strutz.

STRUTZ: Thank you bon amy. I thought it was a comprehensive presentation of our superiority to the human race who freely provide us with fine food, shelter, warm beds and a work-free environment. They shower us with love, trinkets, and demand nothing in return except a minimum display of devotion and gratitude when we have fun mousing and bring the corpse and leave it on the top step of the back door. The evidence is undeniable, and without us your normally miserable lives would be unbearable and the rodents will spread the plague and destroy the crops, and food supplies and you would be in deep a-bop-bop-a-loo-bah-
a-bop-bam-boom!

CS: How would you like to find yourself on the top step... as in locked out?

STRUTZ: How would you like to kiss my pajamas...BOSS? Man is the measure of all things? Ha! Hee, hee, hee! Ho, ho! Wheeee!

CS: This concludes our interview with our iconoclastic mascot, Struz the cat. It's time for his dinner and first nap of the afternoon, which will be followed by several more.

STUTZ: It has been a thrill a minute, Count, and I look forward to never having to waste my time again in such nonsense as this.

CS: Good nap and goodbye. Maybe we can do this again. (Here all my fingers are crossed.)

STRUTZ: Mercy bo coo. And I would like to take this opportunity to say that my recent meals have been surprising unimaginative. We can do better. I would prefer Chateaubriand and occasionally a little pate. This canned mule meat you've been buying me is so strong the can can open itself. The smell would gag a goat and the flavor would turn away a starving

church mouse. We can do better than this, boss.

CS: Here's your can of Puss 'N Boots with chicken and bacon flavors.

STRUTZ: Five minutes late, I might note and the can is 3 days out of date.

STURDLEY SHINGLEHAMMER the world's worst living poet's tribute to the opposite sex's charm.

***

Oh! Dress a lady in puce and green.

Give her a mirror and watch her preen.

Adorable in glamorous glitz and glitter,

And absolutely nothing will fit her.

Twiddle your thumbs...the exercise will keep you in shape for

all the texting you have to do.

The difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has

nine lives. MARK TWAIN

The award above was awarded to me for being me.

It is my very own award, soon to be coveted; or ignored; or despised.It will be awarded(?) from time to time to anyone I deem worthy for reasons of my own. There are no requirements whatsoever.

No. 72

2011-10-21T23:03:00.054-04:00

Why is it no one ever sent me yet

One perfect limousine, do you suppose?

Ah no, it's always my luck to get

One perfect rose.

***

DOROTHY PARKER

1. The World is... a difference of opinion.

***

2. The rabbit you pulled out of your hat...

left quite a mess in there.

3. The best eraser in the world...

is a poor memory.

***

4. Humor is life...in work clothes.

5. Remember the road to Hell...

is paved by the lowest bidder.

***

6. I have been hired, wired, tried, and

fired...now I'm just tired.
***

7. You are a person of interest...to the universe.

***

8. Worry is the fear of looking back

on your life...and seeing something gaining on y0u.

9. Giving undivided attention to any

thing...will cause your eyes to cross;

trust me on this one.

***

10. When you do something, give it a

fancy name... like habitat consultant for

handyman.

Runnin' The Road

By Sturdley Shinglehammer,

the world's worst poet.

On the road,

'N under the hood,

Motor's hummin',

Sounds so good!

Gotta brand new Corvette,

Ain't missed a payment yet.

One man's poetry is another man's poison.OSCAR WILDE

A Few Metaphors You're Welcome To...

***

1. As accurate as a rubber yard stick...

2. As careful as a blind squirrel...

3. Heavier than a rolled-up sidewalk...

4. As enthusiastic as a thong inspector...

5. As good as saltines and sardines...

On the Universe...

When you there, there isn't any there there.

GERTRUDE STEIN

"There ain't nobody here but us chickens...let's have an

egg roll!"

Overheard in Sy Sturdley's Henhouse

The award above was awarded to me for being me.

It is my very own award, soon to be coveted; or ignored; or despised.It will be awarded(?) from time to time to anyone I deem worthy forreasons of my own. There are no requirements whatsoever.

No. 71

2011-10-13T19:10:00.066-04:00

"Elegance has a bad effect on my constitution."

LOUISA MAY ALCOTT (1868)

(Advertisement)

1. "Tempus Fugitaves" are ....criminals who are wanted in every time zone.

***

2. If you are invited to a costume ball...could you go as a nudist?

3. The shortest distance between two points...is rarely one your taxi

driver takes.

***

4. Scandals in church are... disasters of biblical proportion.

***

5. If honesty is the best policy...what is the cheapest policy?

***

6. Why do you need a lawyer for a divorce... but not for a marriage?

7. Two things you don't want to run out of... patience and toilet paper.

***

8. Whistle while you work...and you won't have a job long.

9. What goes before a fall?...a summer.

***

10. It's not how much you know...it's how you learned it.

NOTICE:

The Submarine Races for this week have been canceled this weekend for lack of interest resulting in poor ticket sales.

***

KNIGHT FOR HIRE

Sir Oarlock, Knight of the Garter Belt, Court of Saint

Bagatelle. Available by the hour, day, week, (Weekend

and holiday rates on request) Maidens rescued; quests undertaken; ogres, trolls and dragons located and slain; and weapons sharpened. Office located in Hucklebuck Castle on Rhine. Hours: 9am-5pm.

***

i never think at all when

i write

nobody can do two things

at the same time

and do them both well

"Archy the Cockroach"

DON MARQUIS

***

It's OOm-Pah Time...

Grab Gertie and go!

LES BON TEMPS ROLLEZ!

( Oops...sorry that's Mardi Gras.)

***

BUMPER STRIPS OF THE WEEK...

1. PLEASE DON'T SQUEEZE THE CHAIRMAN!

***

2. MY FRONTAL LOBE CAN BEAT YOUR FRONTAL LOBE!
***

3. I just SAW a PURPLE COW!

***

HOGWASH

Ichabod Keats, Barnyard Correspondent and Porcine Expert, reports from Herk Hedley's Research Farm and Fruit Stand:

A pig's snout is called a "gruntle"...therefore, if you cut off a

pig's snout, he becomes "disgruntled"...and who wouldn't?

Thank you, Ich for that little bit of barnyard wisdom and keep

those porkers gruntable.

The award above was awarded to me for being me.

It is my very own award, soon to be coveted; or ignored; or despised.It will be awarded(?) from time to time to anyone I deem worthy forreasons of my own. There are no requirements whatsoever.

CopyrightHTStone2011

NOTE: You are not allowed to leave this blog without a smile, a laugh or feeling better about your life.

No. 68

2011-09-23T12:05:00.038-04:00

"Poets are born, not paid."

WILSON MIZNER

1. Life is like a jig-saw puzzle...

but you only get one piece at a time.

***

2. Never trust conventional wisdom...

there's too much of it.

3. There's no accounting for taste...

just the money it produces.

***

4. I have a job...it's just my mind that's unemployed.

5. Marriage gives two people the

opportunity to continually ask...

what's for dinner.

***

6. The wind does not exist to provide us

with a cool breeze...but it does so

with gusto.

7. If you want a great guilt trip...

go to Paris.

***

8. You can have a really bad day...

if you forget to plug in your

"power lunch."

9. Careful. Your "constructive criticism"

can deconstruct someone.

***

10. Don't take yourself too seriously or

others for granted.

"I have been invited to the Farmer's Ball and I'm

going. I need to sow some wild oats..."

The All-New Fleetwood Mac Zephyr Z-790 diesel model, 2 cylinder, three wheel, motorized / pedalable flyer is now available at your local, convenient, VALUE-ADDED FLEETWOOD MAC ZEPHYR Z-790 DEALER.

Suggested title for an autobiography:

"The Almost Daily Exploits Of Me."

VOW

I'll kiss your hand,

I'll massage your feet,

Then you'll be mine,

When our lips meet.

***

DRAGON TALE

Lost in a purple haze,

A dragon met a wizard,

Wandering in a daze.

They worked a spell,

With book and bell,

And landed in a maze.

By Sturdley Shinglehammer

The world's worst living poet.

***

The award above was awarded to me for being me.

CopyrightHTStone2011

NOTE: You are not allowed to leave this blog without a smile, a laugh or feeling better about your life.

No. 67

2011-09-16T11:12:00.007-04:00

"A house without books is like a room without windows."

HORACE MANN

1. A good man is hard to find...

the bad ones find you.

***

2. All affairs begin in vanity...

and end in court.

3. Whatever the future brings...

it will be downsized, outsourced,

and overpriced.

***

4. I never had room enough in my

mind...for the big picture.

5. Why live your life like... you're

expecting a robo-call from Hell.

***

6. The years may teach more but...

the days are more fun.

7. Innocuous insouciance is... more highly esteemed than irrational exuberance.

***

8. Distorted exaggerations are...

a politician's best friend.

9. Is the best of the worst...equal to

the worst of the best?

***

10. Life is an equal opportunity

employer.

***

Question of the week: Which ear of his did Van Gogh cut off?

***

Question of the day: Who invented the Manhattan Cocktail in 1874?

***

Question of the hour: What was the Roman Coliseum called originally?

***

Answer all three correctly and you receive the Count Sneaky Bronze Award For Whatever to proudly display on your blog or in the privacy of your closet.

***

GARTER SNAPPERS...

***

"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."

G.K. CHESTERTON

***

"Marriage: our last, best hope to grow up."

JOSEPH BARTH

***

"Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon

or not at all."

HARRIET VAN HORNE

***

"Great is the man who does not lose his child mind."

MENG TSE

***

"Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

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"Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg

cackles as if she laid an asteroid."

MARK TWAIN

"Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy."

FRANCOIS DUC DE LA ROCHEFOUCAULD

"If this be war, make the most of it...kiss me, you fool!"

***

The award above was awarded to me for being me.

CopyrightHTStone2011

NOTE: You are not allowed to leave this blog without a smile, a laugh or feeling better about your life.

No. 66

2011-09-08T21:52:00.000-04:00

"Pleasure's a sin and sometimes sin's a pleasure."

LORD BYRON

***

1. Stretching the truth results in...tall tales

and short careers.

***

2. Don't lower your standards faster than you

can ...raise objections.

3. If you put the cart before the horse...

you will have a very confused horse.

***

4. Don't take yourself seriously...

or your talent lightly.

5. You can offer a friend...a shoulder to lean

on...one to cry on...a hand up...a leg up...

or just a foot in the door.

***

6. For many, thinking is only an option...

feelings rule.

7. For many, feelings are only an option...

thinking rules.

***

8. One good turn deserves another...

said the screw.

9. You never forget...those things you

have to do...that you don't want to do.

***

10. Never trust conventional wisdom...

it's too conventional

POLITICAL JARGON EXPLAINED...

REVENUE : Taxes

REVENUE ENHANCEMENT: Raise New taxes

NEW RESPONSIBLE SOLUTIONS: My program

TIRED OLD POLITICAL SOLUTIONS: My opponent's program

Dear Count Sneaky,

As a long-time reader of your blog, I have found that my eyes water and a headache starts after I read the first hundred words of your blog. Any suggestions?

Sincerely, Maxine Tingle, Silo City.

My dear Maxine, I referred this to Dr. Sugarfoot, who suggested that "You start at

the 101st word and then read the blog, you won't miss much anyway." Thank you, Dr. Sugarfoot, and consider your license revoked.

***

Dear Count Sneaky,

Here in Bodine City, I work at Hedley Dirigible Works and I do public relations for the company. The biggest complaint I get is from readers of your blog, "Count Sneaky's Journal," who continue to complain that they are seeing dirigibles in their backyards. We do not test-fly our dirigibles in any populated areas on the east or west coast. Our dirigibles are test-flown only in the interior of Greenland by experienced pilots. Our dirigible are flown by both major dirigible lines on regularly established routes. They do not linger over people's backyard!

I would appreciate your immediate attention to this matter.

Yours truly,

Sturdley Branchwater,

Public Relations Department

Hedley Dirigible Works

Model XL450 "Sky Hawk"

My dear sir,

I have referred this matter also to our Dr. Sugarfoot, who loves psychological stuff, and who is something of a psycho himself. He replies that he has witnessed such abberent behavior before...his wife found him sitting in his chair on the patio

staring into space apparently in a trance. Later he told her he had seen one! That

was all he would say on the matter...except, "They're here!"

***

Dear Count Sneaky,

I have heard that Section 4, line 17, chapter 3 , paragraph 94 of The Code of Principles, Bill 6739, of the U.S. House of Representatives, Committee for Violations and Aberrant Behavior,the Hon. Hedley Sturdley, Chairman, is a violation of the U.S. Constitution. Is that correct?

Thoughtfully,

Willis Shingles

486 Dirigible Drive, Silo City

Dear Willis,

What the jackwagon are you talking about, Willis?

"Who being loved is poor?"

OSCAR WILDE

COUNT SNEAKY'S RULES OF LIFE.

1. First: Learn to Dance

***

2. Second: Learn to swim

***

3. Third: Learn to drive

"Procrastination is the art of keeping up

with the past."

DON MARQUIS

EYE OPENERS...

"There is no exception to the rule that every rule has an exception."

JAMES THURBER

***

The award above was awarded to me for being me.

CopyrightHTStone2011

NOTE: You are not allowed to leave this blog without a smile, a laugh or feeling better about your life.

No. 65

2011-08-25T18:32:00.075-04:00

"People who like this sort of thing will find this

the sort of thing they like."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN, quoted by G.W.E. Russell, Collections and Recollections, 1898

1. Wasted time is...the most enjoyable use

we can make of time.

***

2. One can take just so much reality before..

calling in the imagination.

***

3. Friends come and go...but bills

are forever.

***

4. If you bite off more than you can chew...

spit it out.

***

5. Being right is never having to say...

I told you so.

***

6. Patience is...worth waiting for.

***

7. Marriage is a two-way street...

with many stop signs.

***

8. Do happy mediums... contact only

merry spirits.

***

9. If you know someone like a book...

you must like fiction.

***

10. When all is said and done...

stop talking and sit down.

***

Dr. Bodine Hedley

Does the Van Allen Belt Hold Up the Pants of the Galaxy?

***

Dr. Bodine Hedley, Sturdley Astronomical Laboratory and Fellow of the Astro Institute for Study of the Stars and Stuff has just published a paper on his new

theory. Dr. Hedley believes that the Van Allen Belt is the glue that holds

the galaxy together, and hence all other galaxies have the same feature, a sort of Super Glue that had been squeezed out of the Big Bang. As a result we are not a galaxy flying apart, but actually glued together with all the other stuff in the universe or whatever it's called out there in Star Wars terms. The theory has

not yet garnered much support in the scientific community or the galaxy.

Dr. Hedley reports, from his part-time job as a Wal-Mart Greeter.

Marlo Modem, Roving Science Reporter, Silo City

***

This blog has been considered proper by HRH Marie of Romania

***

COOL ROOLS: Remember, you cannot make a pig's ear from a silk purse.

***

Our Elected Representatives have their heads so far up their politics

they can't see straight.

***

All Natural Alternative to Unhealthy Diets and Remedy for Modern Living Problemos. Use Daily or Hourly Depending on Your Problemo.

***

NOTICE

READ FAST... SUMMER IS SHOT...FALL IS FAILING AND

BOOKS ARE PILING UP. READ, MAN, READ!
***

***

The award above was awarded to me for being me.

CopyrightHTStone2011

NOTE: You are not allowed to leave this blog without a smile, a laugh or feeling better about your life.

No. 63

2011-08-12T10:19:00.015-04:00

1. Don't argue with anyone whose point is...

on the top of their head.
***
2. Watching politicians at work is like...
watching a pot boil.

3. Procrastination enables most of our
problems...to take care of themselves.
***
4. The root of all greed is... a big sale with low prices.

5. Slow and steady gets you retirement...
but fast and adaptable gets you the promotions.
***
6. Always have a professional portrait on hand...in case they need it for your
"Wanted" poster.
***

7. You get the car from your father...but the drive from your mother.
***
8. Become the Person of the Hour...
show off your new Rolex.

9. A happy marriage involves...
the happiness of pursuit, not the pursuit of happiness.
***
10. If you can't think straight...think in
circles and have someone straighten them
out for you.
***

Sturdley Shingleheimer's Corner.
The world's worst living poet reads his meter.

Lover's Lament
Write me a poem,
Sing me a song,
Then go back home,
Where you belong.

My Girl
I gotta girl named Frieda,
Who's always there when I needa,
But I sure wish sheda,
Been more of a Lolita.

***

Serving you in the Senate for 30 years, almost.

***

As your representative, I would like to assure you that, though, I have taken all

of last month off to sample the reaction of my constituents to events that have transpired there during my absence and to inform you that I had, consequently, nothing whatsoever to do with them, I find the reaction of the opposition party to eliminating the enormous increase in our nation's obligations; and to the complete obstructionism and consequent confusion arising from refusing to face realities inherent in our system of bicameral government; along with partisan party politics; to be completely discouraging in today's atmosphere of distrust, confusion and lack of bipartisan action that would insure the continuation of our economy and, well, just good stuff.

Yours for continued clarity,

Senator FERLIN J. DANGLE, JR.

***

"The first thing an unpublished author should remember is that no one asked him to write in the first place. With this firmly in mind, he has no right to become discouraged just because other people are being published."
JOHN FARRAR
***
NOTEBOOK
1. The latest success in food marketing is Diet Caviar.
2. Do not adjust your set...adjust your mind.
3. Then Shakespeare wrote, "Much Ado About Next To Nothing."
4. New book title, "Floss Your Way To Success."
5. The 2011 Prognosticator's Ball was rescheduled for next year.
6. As ugly as a hat full of oysters.
7. A few courses I'd like to take at the Senior Center: Appalachian
Belly Dancing, Waltz Racing, Pasta Yoga, Beginning Lithuanian,
Botox Detox, Bouillabaisse Basting, The Wit and Wisdom of Calvin Coolidge, Remembering the Pontiac Bonneville, Removing Age Spots, Feng Shui for One-Room Apartments, Garbage In, Garbage Out: The Art of Politics, Imposing Voluntary Morals o the Young,
Custer's Last Stand Diagrammed, A Peace Corps Latrine Reader,
Raising Trolls Under Bridges, Remembering Curb-feelers, Clear Plastic Steering Wheels and Spotlights, How to Stage a Wet-T Shirt Contest and Why, Raising Medical Leeches, With-holding Tax on the Wages of Sin and How to Avoid It, Shredding For Dummies, Gas, Bloating and Constipation Folk Remedies, Guide to Chiggers, Ticks and Fleas, Rhyming Orange and Other Colors, Crafts With Duct Tape, Building Ships In Bottles, Folk Remedies For Moles and Warts,
Disguising Age Spots, Dummies Guide to Schadenfreude.
8. Remember to put your best foot forward, be it Iamb, Trochee,
Anapest, or even Dactyl. Though Dactyls are for professionals.
9. "Philomuses" are lovers of poetry. "Limomuses" are lovers of limericks. "Barkomuses" are lovers of doggerel.
10. Charity begins with a good mailing list.

READ FAST... SUMMER IS SHORT!
***

***

The award above was awarded to me for being me.

CopyrightHTStone2011

NOTE: You are not allowed to leave this blog without a smile, a laugh or feeling better about your life.